A brand new clinic for the treatment of "Plastic Crack Addiction" has opened its doors in Nottingham England.
The Priority Target - managed and run by former Vermin Lord Andy Chambers - offers an 8 week program. Andy estimates that up to 50% of wargamers, many of whom still live at home with parents way into their thirties can develop dependancy with minimum exposure.
Andy has pointed the finger squarely at former employer and leading plastic crack dealer Games Workshop claiming "Games Workshop have to take responsibility for their actions. The sheer mind blowing quality of their product is ruining lives. They're knocking this stuff out on an industrial scale and frankly, their entire operation makes Eisenberg look like an amateur."
The causes of Plastic Crack Addiction are hugely varied, so the Priority Target offers programmes to tackle the many patterns of destructive behaviour, coupled with supportive psychological therapies to address any underlying emotional issues. Patients are also made to participate in taboo sports such as Soccer.
Talk Wargaming caught up with Mary McDougan, mother to the clinics first patient. "It all started when he came home with that bloody White Dwarf magazine in his late twenties. After reading it he was hooked. Nothing else mattered to Barry, all he wanted was miniatures, pretend hills, tape measures and dice. He's not right, most men his age want to take recreational drugs, masturbate and sleep around. All he does is crunch dice probabilities and paint soldiers. If he doesn't build soldiers for a few days he goes into wild mood swings and sometimes when he and his wargamer friends get together they drink Redbull. I'm worried."
Mary isn't the only worried parent, several Warhammer Rage incidents have been reported up and down the country at high pressure competitive events. Libraries have also been fueling the addiction with novels set in the wargames setting. The Government refused to comment. Nigel Farrage of course blamed immigrants.
Plastic Crack addicts display many symptoms, including obsessive collecting, painting, gluing, snipping, elevated heartrate, dilated pupils, excessive salivating and bad hair cuts.
Some addicts are known to lose sleep as they feverishly construct their models. One shocking survey carried out by FRANK revealed that children as young as 8 have been suffering from plastic crack abuse.
"Only last year in Bognor Regis an addict required stitches to his thumb following a risky cutting procedure. This event highlights the sheer scale and intensity of a problem that is quite simply spiralling out of control. We need new legislation to limit access to this life changing material." said National Health Service CEO Simon Stevens.
Any readers affected by Plastic Crack Addiction are advised to seek help or throw money at the problem until it goes away.