Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Talking Moons and Self-Aware Programs! Your Referee Pimpcron is here with a fight to the death! Tonight we’ve pitted two of the nastiest Warlords the galaxy has ever known against each other in the squared circle!

In the red corner sits the Menace from Maldragora, the Summoner of Storms, the Phaeron of the Sautekh Dynasty, Imotekh the Stooooormlooooord!

And in the Blue corner, we have just shipped in the Carnivore of Calth, the One-eyed Wonder, the Fex that’s the Best, Old One Eye!

Now let’s see the tale of the tape.

A few things we want to mention at 40 Ass Kicking before the fighting begins:

Both combatants get 2 turns of shooting, followed by both of them charging into combat with both of them receiving their bonuses for the charge.

Also, only Special Rules relevant to a one-on-one fight will be considered for the winner.

Random D6 attacks will be assumed to be a 3. D3 attacks will be assumed to be 2.

All attacks will be judged as what is approximately most likely.

Any audience members maimed during the fight will be terminated before lawsuits are filed.

 The Results:

As you can see from the Tale of the Tape, these are two very well-matched fighters. One has all brains, the other all brawn!

The bell rings and the chains are released from Old One Eye. Imotekh stands silently in his corner while the Carnifex lets out a mighty roar and begins thundering across the ring! The ground shakes as this behemoth stampedes at his foe, meanwhile Imotekh watches with no reaction; gently clutching his Staff of the Destroyer. The Carnifex closes in with his enemy, crushing claws and scything talons splayed out ready for the assault. Has Imotekh lost his mind?! Fifteen feet away, Ten feet, five fe-

In one fluid instant Imotekh’s Staff is raised and a silent green beam of unimaginable power lances across room, straight through Old One Eye’s chest. The crowd is silent as the Carnifex crumples and skids across the floor at Imotekh’s feet; a smoking hole left out the back of the beast’s carapace. Imotekh slowly turns to prop his smoking staff up in the corner as he looks out at the crowd, who stare in shock. Never has a 40k Ass Kicking been over this-

A giant red claw sweeps across Imotekh’s back in a flash, nearly breaking him in half and sending him end-over-end, clanking across the ring with each tumble. The Carnifex slowly gets up, leaving strings of green slime stretching from the floor to his gaping chest wound. Even now, tiny threads of flesh have begun to knit across his wound. The monster turns and screams at the damaged Phaeron, who has just begun to get back up.

The Monster rampages across the arena, the front row audience holding onto their seats against the vibrations. The beast reaches his prey just as Imotekh’s left arm is raised with his Gauntlet of Fire and a searing gout of flame spews out of his knuckles. The smell of burning flesh fills the air but that doesn’t stop Old One Eye from crashing into his prey; skin a blaze and bubbling. There is no way for the Stormlord to withstand the crushing mass of the Carnifex as they both smash into the turn buckle; snapping it off as they fall into a pile on the floor ring-side. The Carnifex gets up and peers down at his prey, who lays lifelessly on the ground with a collapsed rib cage; sparks spurting out randomly. One giant crushing claw picks up the Phaeron by the ankle and sends him sailing through the air, finally landing and skidding into the turn buckle that has the Staff propped up. The staff falls to the ground with a clatter and the crowd explodes into a wave of cheers.

“And the Winner, by Instant Death, is Ooooold Oooooone-“ The Anouncer’s voice catches in his throat as the crowd falls silent.

Old One Eye turns to see what the crowd is looking at, only to find the staggering form of Imotekh shaking and jerking in a standing position. Thousands of tiny spider-like mites crawl over the Stormlord’s body, repairing crucial systems as he tries to stand. The hulking creature’s eyes fill with rage as he leaps onto the ring with a thud and begins stampeding towards his target yet again with a thundering cry. As the mad creature rushes across the ring, the Stormlord slowly picks up his staff and aims at the humongous staging structure that houses all of the lights and speakers above them. With a single silent motion, the green beam slices the support chains that hold up the massive lighting frame. As if in slow motion, the bulk of steel and lighting crashes down onto the sprinting Carnifex as he runs towards the Necron. Metal, blood and glass spray in all directions as the two enormous masses collide and the Carnifex is pinned to the ground. The crowd tries to shield itself from the shrapnel as Imotekh stands straighter and steadier with each passing moment.

Imotekh proceeds to raise his staff in triumph as the wreckage of the lighting structure erupts; birthing the giant, un-killable monster. For the first time tonight, Imotekh looks surprised as Old One Eye wades through the debris with lightning speed and seizes the Necron by the head and slams him into the ground. The Necrons green, illuminated eyes slowly go dark as his broken body dies.

Then, the lights in his eyes begin to glow brighter as his systems go back online. Infuriated, the Carnifex rips Imotekh’s arms off. The eyes grow dark but then begin to glow again. A crushing claw smashes the Necron’s chest into pieces. The eyes go dark then begin to brighten. Massive pincers rip the robot in two and the eyes die again; only to begin brightening again. Enraged beyond all reason, the Carnifex bends down and bites the metal head clean off the crushed and mangled chassis. Spitting the head into the crowd, the Carnifex is victorious!

“By, erm, Technical Knock Out, Old One Eye wins the match!” The exhausted crowd cheers.

The eyes begin to glow.

Old One Eye earns a victory!




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